I guess I'm having a pity party but it's really difficult when people ask me if I'm getting excited and I automatically say something like, "Yeah, it's getting so close and the kids are so excited." When what I really want to say is "Am I excited? No. I am not. I feel anxiety, sadness, and even dread. I'm dreading the added stress that we will have to deal with. I'm fearing our financial instability and how the new baby will affect my ability to help provide for the family. And mostly I am just very sad, discouraged, and overwhelmed." I even hesitate to write about it because it feels like something that I should be hiding from people...you know, sweep it under a rug and keep it out of sight.
Now I'm confident that the root of these feelings is in fact hormonal. My entire world seems to get out of whack when I am pregnant. So mostly I am just ignoring these feelings and trusting that they will pass. I'm sure that the closer I get to the birth the more excited I will actually be and I'm very confident that once Sadie arrives I will be satisfactorily grateful and happy. It's just been really rough these last 8 months. Luckily I've not ever really experienced postpartum depression. Short of the first few days, my emotions seem to level out pretty well after the birth and I'm hoping this will be the case this time.
Even as I write these things I'm condemning myself with feelings of guilt. How could I possibly feel this way when the way that I should be feeling is so different? I really am okay. I know I will be excited. I have so much love to give and we are all excited about a new addition to our family. Thanks for letting me air my confession as I go through this emotional roller coaster yet again.
brandi :-)